US Army telephone answering machine.
We’re sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options:
If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!