Give us a push

This bloke is in bed with his missus when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat
on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half

three in the morning. ‘Sod that for a game of soldiers’, he

thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that”

says his wife , so he drags himself out of bed, and goes

downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.

“Eh mate” says the stranger, “can you give us a push??”

“No, f#ck off, it’s half three. I was in bed” says the man and

shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what

happened and she says "Dave, you are a b@stard. Remember that

night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the

kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s

house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d

told us to f#ck off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger

anywhere he shouts:

“Eh mate, do you still want a push??” and he hears a voice cry

out “Yes please mate.” So, still being unable to see the

stranger he shouts:

“Where are you?” and the stranger replies:

“I’m over here on the swings!.”


This prostitute has a hysterectomy and the first day back on the job with her first customer she feels the need to be honest so she says

“I haven’t got a womb mind…”

And he says

“It’s ok we can have a knee-twembler over by those wusty wailings near the wailway”

He later starred in Bugs Bunny cartoons apparently :slight_smile:


A secondary school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand